Exercise taken from Creating Poetry by John Drury. Page 26, exercise 2:
Choose a poem that interests you. Using a fresh sheet of paper, write down new words to replace each word of your model. Substitute your own words for those of the other poem, making sure you keep the same arrangements of parts of speech. That is, substitute nouns for nouns, verbs for verbs, and so on. You can write down opposites or antonyms if you like (“hot” for “cold”), but don’t feel restricted by that possibility. The idea is to keep the other poet’s syntax (or arrangement of words) while providing your own building materials, your own vocabulary.
“A Dream of Jealousy” by Seamus Heaney
Walking with you and another lady
In a wooded parkland, the whispering grass
Ran its fingers through our guessing silence
And the trees opened into a shady
Unexpected clearing where we sat down.
We talking about desire and being jealous,
Our conversation a loose single gown
Or a white picnic tablecloth spread out
Like a book of manners in the wilderness.
‘Show me,’ I said to our companion, ‘what
I have much coveted, your breast’s mauve star.’
And she consented. Oh neither these verses
Nor my prudence, love, can heal your wounded stare.
Model
Skating with you and only you
under hushed snow, the fallen flakes
rested their bodies on our woolen caps
and the clouds turned into a misty
hollowed sky when we looked up.
I think the grayness of the day excited us.
We laughed over ice and being cold,
our voices a warm smoky apparition
or a lost baleful spirit held out
like a flag of white in the breeze.
‘Tell me,’ I said to your cheek, ‘what
I have often wondered, your heart’s true want.’
And you answered. Oh, neither this frost
nor your pretense, love, can hide your empty gaze.
What I think:
This exercise helped me think about word placement and parts of speech–I couldn’t just choose anything and hope it made sense. They had to match the ones in Heaney’s poem. It’s a good exercise for writers who tend to just throw words together rather than stop and think “Why am I choosing this word? Does it establish the meaning I’m trying to get across?” It definitely took more patience than free-writing.
That being said, I adore Seamus Heaney’s poetry, and I don’t feel my exercise could even stand in the shadow of his work…but the point was to try and emulate a good writer’s work, which can only lead to better writing for me. Eventually 🙂
The Junk Drawer 